The Tabooed Question

The following question would not be one that would be acceptable in our society. It would be a tabooed one. Even to understand what I really am asking, would need a great amount of openness and freethinking.

I believe that even if no one wants to ask or answer this question, all of us have had this question in our minds and none of us would ever be able to answer it.

My question is, what actually is sexual possessiveness and where does it come from? I mean no person would ever accept his partner sleeping with someone else. Even I wont. But why? Why does there has to be a one man and one woman? To create order? Why cant there be a man and a woman who just want to have sex, and another man for the same woman who wants to have sex and have children and raise them too? Why after a certain period of being into a relationship, does the body which was a body some other woman or other man, suddenly becomes ours to claim and control?

Why do girlfriends have to know everything about you? Why, for that matter, do friends have to know everything about you? Why cant there be a friend who knows about your personal life, a friend who knows about your professional life, and another one who knows about your sex life and maybe no one who know about you spiritual life? Why in every relationship that is just going great, possessiveness has to creep in to destroy it?

This has always been my problem I guess. Its not that I cannot make friends, its just that I cannot keep friends for long.

All of my friends, after a certain period of time, start to think that they owe me. They start to order me to do things and not ask me to do them. That is what I hate and stop seeing them anymore. That’s why I keep on making new friends and get away from them just before they owe me. I love to be free. Not controlled like my father does. I have escaped to Pune in order to get away from the ownership, control and management of my father. But anywhere I go, people always try to have the same rights over me as if they are my property.

The same has been the problem with all of my girlfriends. Why cant girls be partners and be completely different individuals? Why do they always have to be at one with their boyfriends? I mean, I have a life of my own that maybe I want to live my way. I may not want to share everything with you for gods sake. But they don’t just get the point and they break up.

The world would be such an organized and planned out place only if this obligation and possession part was removed from relationships.

The Tabooed Question

The following question would not be one that would be acceptable in our society. It would be a tabooed one. Even to understand what I really am asking, would need a great amount of openness and freethinking.

I believe that even if no one wants to ask or answer this question, all of us have had this question in our minds and none of us would ever be able to answer it.

My question is, what actually is sexual possessiveness and where does it come from? I mean no person would ever accept his partner sleeping with someone else. Even I wont. But why? Why does there has to be a one man and one woman? To create order? Why cant there be a man and a woman who just want to have sex, and another man for the same woman who wants to have sex and have children and raise them too? Why after a certain period of being into a relationship, does the body which was a body some other woman or other man, suddenly becomes ours to claim and control?

Why do girlfriends have to know everything about you? Why, for that matter, do friends have to know everything about you? Why cant there be a friend who knows about your personal life, a friend who knows about your professional life, and another one who knows about your sex life and maybe no one who know about you spiritual life? Why in every relationship that is just going great, possessiveness has to creep in to destroy it?

This has always been my problem I guess. Its not that I cannot make friends, its just that I cannot keep friends for long.

All of my friends, after a certain period of time, start to think that they owe me. They start to order me to do things and not ask me to do them. That is what I hate and stop seeing them anymore. That’s why I keep on making new friends and get away from them just before they owe me. I love to be free. Not controlled like my father does. I have escaped to Pune in order to get away from the ownership, control and management of my father. But anywhere I go, people always try to have the same rights over me as if they are my property.

The same has been the problem with all of my girlfriends. Why cant girls be partners and be completely different individuals? Why do they always have to be at one with their boyfriends? I mean, I have a life of my own that maybe I want to live my way. I may not want to share everything with you for gods sake. But they don’t just get the point and they break up.

The world would be such an organized and planned out place only if this obligation and possession part was removed from relationships.

The Community Called College

I have always believed and given stress on the environmental factors on the emotional, behavioral and mental patterns of any individual. My observations also have always supported my views quite obediently at least when it comes to Pune.

Since the very first time I shifted to Pune till now, I have been observing the students of Pune. Unlike any other cities, the students of Pune have a certain specific identity in accordance with their college or school.

The main headings would be, Bishops, Loyla, Renuka Swarup, Nu. Ma. Vi, S.N.D.T, Fergusson, Symbiosis and ILS. At least I have recognized these main heads. All other schools and colleges tend to follow any of the above.

The convent students are those who tend to show off their cool attitude. They speak English more than any other language. Sex and romance predominated their minds. They usually tend to all addictive things. But there are also certain good points in them. They must be the most confident students in all the above categories. They do not know what fear is. They always aim high and tend to achieve whatever they aim for.

Girl’s schoolgirls are typical. Oil dipped long hair tied in the most grotesque manner. They take pride in their ability to stay away from boys but secretly are tying to check out every other guy they see. Brightest and the most studious of the above, these are focused and career oriented. Many of them live in imaginary worlds of ages 10 and 12 even if they grow up to have children of that age. As these girls do not paint their faces with all sorts of makeup, unlike the convent girls, these girls are usually very beautiful. Only these girls take no interest in it and hide their beauty under untidiness.

Girl’s college girls are same as above plus this. Boys for them are that forbidden mystery, which the more they try to avoid getting into, the more they tend to entangle in. They somehow find it difficult that a boy of their same age can have just friend’s attitude for them. Though they secretly want to look as presentable and jazzy as the stylish hi-fun-do co-ed girls, they would always make faces at them as if those girls really care. They misunderstand every attraction for love and usually end up in arrange marriages.

Fergusson people are not only a group of students but also a community in all. They are mostly the bright people. Not very studious, but they are mostly filled with actual brains with true potential. They are proud of almost everything associated with them They can be proud of as small a thing as largest number of dogs in college to 150 successful college years. They can make the worst thing seem the best and the best seem the worst. They are filled with extreme over confidence and sometimes act weird. Almost all of them are parts of dozens of groups and take part in thousands of activities and yet take time out for themselves and others. They are rude sometimes to some people but they show this off as attitude. All of them have a peculiar speaking style, which no one else can copy. This style remains with them at-least during college years and however influential other speaking patters in other colleges may be, they never change theirs.

Symbiosis students have that attitude about themselves that Hitler had about Arian race. The most selfish, these are also the most beautiful. There is no mid-personality in symbiosis. There is only great and worst. Every other student is famous here for something or the other activity. There are seldom non-popular and depressed souls here. They consider themselves of the elite class and that no other student of any other college can be better than them. They have legally and professionally accepted English as their official spoken language and boycott every other language. They live on a level just above reality, which is not imaginary but also not very real. They are usually the best event managers or managers of any sort for that matter. These students persuade the educational courses that are usually looked down at by the society like B.A Arts etc., with as great pride as a student would feel doing aeronautical engineering.

Finally for ILS, my current home. Here you may find extreme chaos and disturbance as students from all over India, for that matter, all over the world, try to get together at one place. Every student in this college thinks that some random student, whom he probably doesn’t even know, is doing something better with his free time than what he himself is doing. It’s always a C.V race in here. People in this college live to make better C.Vs. They get frustrated studying all the bullshit laws and figuring out the best possible loophole, and working like an ass in the interns and then have alcohol to relieve this stress under the guise of fun and adventure. The next thing they know is they face an even worse kind of stress after doing stupid things when boozed up. Every student waits for four years for his fifth year and when the fifth year comes, all feel like starting off again from the first.

So basically my point is environment affects the development and structuring of a student to such an extent, that he may not use his true full genetic potential only to fit into the college environment.

The Horrendous Nightmare

The Nightmare

I would not say that I don’t dream at all as I know there is no person living who doesn’t dream at all. It just that I usually have comfortable sleep and I don’t tend to remember many dreams. You wont believe me, but I don’t remember a single nightmare in the past many years. The last nightmare I remember was in my primary school days, when I had watched a horror movie and had dreamed of it. Other than that, I have no record of any nightmare that I can remember of that may have disturbed my sleep.

I just had the most horrific, horrendous and horrifying nightmare ever at around 7 am on Thursday, 27^th January 2011. This dream certainly scared the shit out of me and I am sure that even ‘The Exorcists’ or ‘The Ring’ hasn’t scared me so much when I watched those movies being awake as this nightmare scared me in my sleep. I bet Sigmund Freud’s  ‘Interpretation of Dreams’ certainly doesn’t cover this one.

My parents and me were back in the very first home in Aurangabad that I spent most of my jolly days of growth in. Only this time, the scenario did not seem jolly at all. It felt like I do not live there anymore and I had come to visit my parents there. But it seemed as if my parents did not want me to visit them. My mother and me were in the house. Then I suddenly started destroying things in my outburst of anger. My mother warned me not to do so as my father, unlike other times, was prepared beforehand of my visit and had had made good arrangements for my welcome. Yet I ignored her and went on. It was more of angry screaming than destruction. The next thing I knew were two huge men, who certainly seemed the ward boys of some mental asylum, were barging in on me from the front door. It seemed to be the similar situation when my warden of the hostel came to fetch me when I had ran away to the same home a few years back.

My father accompanied these men, and had a weird grin on his face, which said something like ‘I had told you, not to underestimate me.’ I argued with them that I hadn’t destroyed anything and I was just screaming. Yet they caught hold of me and maybe they gave me seductive because the next thing I remember from the dream seemed to have happened after some time.

Next scene of the dream was that I have been thrown out of the house; my cheeks are stitched to my lower jaw, which made talking real pain. I had an age-old bicycle with me that I remember our servant used. My father warned me not to come back to that house or he had worse measure prepared against me. Then he rode away from there on a bicycle that I used when I was around 8 to 10 years old. This situation may seem funny while reading but it was damn scary in the dream. I imagined all sorts of ill things that can happen to my dad on the bicycle. Trust me the scope of your imagination far wider in dreams than in real life. Then I started walking with my bicycle on the road ahead thinking what had just happened. I was so depressed that I also considered ending my life, as this was the worst that could happen to me. My parents had disowned me, my cheeks were stitched to my jaws, I had the most archaic bicycle ever, I had no home, I was lonely, I was frustrated and I was suicidal. The worst part of it was even my mother couldn’t understand me, which she usually did, and aided my father in throwing me out.

Just then somehow I managed to gather myself up and told myself that it was my life, which I have to live. It doesn’t actually matter whether my parents support me or not. I can live it my way by my rules. I felt that I can certainly figure out the means of living and I started pedaling my bicycle, maybe on the road back from where I had just come, as I felt like I knew where I was going but I did not actually knew where I was going. Suddenly some other guy on a similar bicycle joined me and we continued together on the same way. I don’t know who this guy is, but he seemed to be quite friendly and a person whom I could trust. He seemed to be caring and understanding. Though he did not speak a word to me, I kind of had all these comforting feelings for him.

Next I was at some sort of residential place. It seemed like a hostel, but it was so posh that it seemed more like the hostel of Harvard or Oxford University. Me, that guy, and some more guys were getting dressed up in formal suits in what seemed like common changing room so huge and well designed that it could be seen only in some Hollywood movies. I seemed to be reassured and rehabilitated, as I was very happy and contented here.

We both were tying the knots of our ties and talking about the night before. I was telling him that I accidently got caught in a room in the same hostel with some girl I had a crush on but I wasted the whole time in there in figuring out whether she likes me or not.

Here I woke up. I did not actually wake up out of fear as usually people do when they have nightmares. I woke up generally. But when I woke up and remembered the dream that I just had, and then I was scared to death. More of horrified than scared I would say.

P.S.: -- In case the horrifying value of this dream is not clear, I would like to describe how I saw and felt myself in the dream when I was kicked out of the house. I was heavily sedated which made my movements like zombies, or dead bodies. I had no control on my arms and they were completely immobile. My clothes were all torn and raged. Face, as pale a dead person. Moth salivating as it was odd to keep it in the position it was owing to the stiches. I needed to gather great strength even to spit the accumulated saliva and I was thrown out of my house by two huge beings.

I looked somewhat like those psycho beggars that roam around the street talking to themselves in ragged clothes. Their clothes and themselves are gone black not due to head but due to uncleanliness. Their hair is all strangled and sticky. Their teeth are worse than the most ugly witch.